The official jokes thread!

[BIG H]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Hahaha

[CutMeMick]

Here goes....

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill in the hole. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Wacka! Wacka! Waackaa!

[smashup]

A man walks into the doctors with cling film wrapped round his balls and starts shouting 'I think i'm mad..I THINK I'M MAD"
The doctor takes one look at him and says "well i can clearly see your nuts"

[Chris Nagel]

A lot of good jokes although I heard most of them before.
Here this one is an old favorite that I like to tell:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your
CAR!!!!

[smashup]

Millionaire wiped his a*** on his will, left all his airs in the S***.

hahahahaha

[smashup]

Told this one before but it's a belter (imo)

Fella goes to a nightclub and see's a stunner so he bowls over to her and goes "Your fit as f*ck..Marry me"
"Ok then.pop round Wednesday and meet the parents"

Wednesday comes and he knocks on her door "Hello go through to the lounge and make yourself at home,mum and dad are in their'

He walks into the lounge and is shocked to see the mum with a bottle of beer wedged up her fanny and the dad with his bollocks in his hand and a matchstick between his eyelids!
Visibly shocked the poor lad goes into the kitchen where his fiancee is doing dinner...

"what the f*ck is up with your parents? Are they mad or something?"

"No no silly..i forgot to tell you they're both deaf and dumb and have been arguing for a while"

"Well what about exactly babe"

"Well mum said to dad..get the beers in ya kunt and dad said Bollocks i'm watching the match"

[the phenom]

hahahahahahahahahahahaa

[smashup]

They never got married in the end but the Lad did meet another stunner the weeK later in another club and again he bowls over to this fine looking bint and goes..(It's a London club btw)

"Ello sweetheart i wanna pole your asshole off"
"ooh you stud you,course you can"

"So whats your name babe"

"Carmen"

"Carmen eh..nice name babe,why did they call you that then"

"Well i love cars and i LOVE men...So what's your name Stud?"

"Charlie Beerkunt"

[smashup]

Whats worse than a 10 man anal gangrape?




























Finding a worm in your apple!

[smashup]

Ok one more

Whats got one ball and F*cks women?

























Peter Succliffes hammer

[smashup]

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

hahahahaha

[Sugar_Shaw]

Seen a few jokes being posted here over the last while, so I got this astonishingly brilliant idea to make a joke thread.

Post all jokes in here!

I'll get the ball rolling...

-----------------------------

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Brilliant

[motorcitycobra]

Michael Barrymore was asked if he was doing panto this year his reply was " I did Alladin six years ago and I still haven't heard the last of it..

[motorcitycobra]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in boozer talking about their sons names,


Englishman says "my lad was born St. Georges day so we had to name him George."

Scotsman says " well you wouldn't believe it my lad was born on St.Andrews day so we called him Andrew."











Paddy says "Fuck me wait till I tell our Pancake!"

[Violent Demise]

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"