Has ANYYY of you ever had to do this...

[Dizaster]

I can't believe i'm going to post this.. In fact, I can't believe it even happened and if I saw someone else doing this, I would totally freak the fuck out at it's bizarreness.. In fact i've even seen it on movies and never believed that it could actually be something of reality... But here was how it happened..


I heated up some Pizza on Saturday from Friday night and I think it was no good.. I put it in the fridge a bit late Friday night and I guess something about it was off.. I had the runs on Saturday night, Sunday, and once during work on Monday.. I'm like, okay fine, when I had to go, I had to go.. I always had toilets around and wasn't to worried... However there wasn't much warning, and this was a violent need to go.. There was maybe 15 seconds max between when I feel the need to go, and "oh shit, it's coming out right now!!", regardless of whether i'm on a toilet or not..


Monday night I was out meeting a friend.. I was parked on the side of the street still waiting for him, and all of a sudden, BANG, I got the need to shit.. BAD... I thought that I could hold on, it got worse over the course of seconds.. I got out of the car and tried standing... But I realised after about 5 seconds,,, this shit is coming out... NOW!!!! I remembered there was a park/reserve one block away in the middle of the housing and I knew right then and there I had no choice but to get there and shit right on the grass.. I jumped in the car, started, and headed straight down a street I thought went toward the park.. It was a court/close... I knew I honestly had about 10 more seconds before I was going to shit my pants.. Literally... I knew, I would not make it to the park! This was urgent.... really fucking urgent..
I looked around for the house with the most easily accessable front lawn with the most tree/bush cover for me to shit on.. There was none! Trust me, this is not normal for me!! All I was thinking is, this is totally fucked what I may have to do in a few second....
But thank fucking GOD I saw an empty block that actually backed onto another court.... I ripped on the breaks of the car, jumped out, ran about 15 yards into the spare block, ripped my pants of and exploded onto this dirt footpath that went through the empty block... It was horrible!! I felt like an animal! I was squating like a rabbid dog against a fence in the dirt and grass backing onto people's houses,,, shitting... with my bare ass aimed at the ground.. A full grown adult..
I hadn't even thought of how I was going to have to wipe my ass... I don't even want to say now, but I have to tell the whole story... I took my shorts and boxers off and had to wipe my ass with my boxers... Here I am standing in dusk 8pm light with no pants on in the middle of a residential zone.. I prayed to god no one was watching me thinking I was some perv.. No pants on... I wipped, through away my boxers, and put my shorts back on and left feeling on top of the world compared to the agony I went through moments earlier..


Please please please tell me SOMEONE has been caught with the runs in a place where there was no toilet... I mean, I had to fucking go.. I could shit my pants, or I could shit on the ground in the middle of a street... I had no choice... Thank GOD for that spare block, otherwise I would have been exploding onto someone's front garden, or footpath, or in the curb.... It was coming out though...

[CGM]

damn Diz, why does this always happen to you? First it was, chocolate on your nose, then late for work cause you can't stay away from Saddo's, and now you have to shit in public.

It's never happened to me like that, but it happened to a buddy of mine I was with. We were right downtown. He just ducked into a doorway and went for it. I had to stand right in front of him to block the view of the passersby. Luckily it was late, and not that many people. I gave him a real bad time over it, but he sure wasn't laughing,

[CutMeMick]

Diz...

As god as my witness it's 12:04 am here and I'm laughing like a fucken maniac I'm crying here... My eyes got watery and I can't stop laughing.



my fav. part...

"It was horrible!! I felt like an animal! I was squating like a rabbid dog against a fence in the dirt and grass backing onto people's houses,,, shitting... with my bare ass aimed at the ground.. A full grown adult..
I hadn't even thought of how I was going to have to wipe my ass... I don't even want to say now, but I have to tell the whole story... I took my shorts and boxers off and had to wipe my ass with my boxers... Here I am standing in dusk 8pm light with no pants on in the middle of a residential zone.. I prayed to god no one was watching me thinking I was some perv.. No pants on"

[CutMeMick]

Fucken Diz, I just woke up my girl with my laughter...
She's pissed off now..

[Andre]

Youre a classic Diz .

Ive done simular.

I got caught by a few mates spewing up and shitting all at the same time one night out the side of a party at the Carrum downs hall.

[yvonne]

I had a mate who once had a big dirty crap inside a golf hole.I think it was on hole number 9 on my local golf course.I was laughing my bollocks off when he turned around to me and said,"Mate,im dying to have a shit!"The golf course was right in the middle of nowhere and as we being daft young kids(Me and him where little bastards when we were kids,we really were a hand full)i laughted and said to him,"I dare you to have a big dirty shit in the golf hole!"and he looked at me and laughted and said,"Why not,it'll be funny"and he pulled down his trousers and had a shite in the hole and wipe his arse on leaves.We were about 9 year old at the time.It was sooo funny!He is in prison now though,he was a crazy fucker and never changedHe went into some heavy shit when he got older,,lucky for me i got out of the kind of things he got into.Funny as fook though.Me and me other mate's have mentioned about that time a few times and all end up on our backs laughing soo hard.Great times.We got up to all kinds of mad things.I look back and think,,"Gee,,i cant believe some of the things we used to do for fun."Some of the things we used to do could of killed us.I count meself lucky to be alive really!!!

[Gandalf]

Thats a shocking story, but understandable. If you've got to crap you've got to crap. Ive never been in a situation, but imagine I would have to do the same. Not much else you can do, I guess.

I remember about a year ago I was in a bar and I needed to piss. Needless to say, I was a bit shocked to get to the urinal to find a mound of poo smack, bang in the middle of it. I couldnt believe someone had gone to the effort of shitting into the urinal when the cubicle was only 6 feet away.

You've gotta do what you've gotta do. Not that Im implying you should have found a urinal and done a plop in there. No much better off in the open.

[Kel]

I could barely see the screen for tears, you tell a great story mate that's incredibly funny the way you describe your shitty ordeal

[CFH]

That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

[AdamGB]

hahah funny, reminds me of another story.

I'm very regular... do at least 3 fairly big shites everyday.... can hold it for a while but sometimes I just NEED to go.

In my old job we were lifting and relaying and old road, our lunch cabin was next to a church. It had a porta-potty but it hadn't been emptied for weeks... if not months... I couldn't even bare to be in it... let alone sit on it.

I used to normally shit when I got up, when I got home and before bed... but not today... needed to go really badly... I'd been in the church toilet once before but it was closed today... I knocked and the vicar refused to let me use the toilet... bastard... I hope Saint Peter reminds him about it...

There's a giant valley with a river than runs through it that is now a public park quite near and I knew that had public toilets in the middle of it so I headed off that way... I really needed to shit and was fighting back a turtle head the whole time... was very very close to knocking on a stranger's door and asking if I could use their toilet but it's probably the poshest/snootiest part of the city and I thought I could make it.

I got there and the toilets where CLOSED! I was literally touching cloth at this point... there was a cafe in the park not too far away but again it was shut... there's also a big posh restaurant and luckily (or so I thought) I could see it was open.

I buzzed on the door and this posh stuck up waiter in his late 30s (don't know how you can be stuck up if you're approaching mid life and you're a fucking waiter!) appeared at the window on the door... explained how desperate my situation was (dramatic... but would you want to lay a turd in your boxers?) and the cunt wouldn't let me in!

decided I was just going to have to go in a bush somewhere (like you I wasn't really bothered about wiping at this point!). I don't know if anybody hear knows Jesmond Dene but it's not exactly a park...

Jesmond Dene - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia looks like there's 10000s of bushes to take a shit right? wrong... it's either next to some family activity place/petting zoo/road/river or footpath.

After frantically rushing about trying to find somewhere within range I eventually decided to go back next to the restaurant and go in a bush there hoping nobody would see me.

I'm normally a clean shitter... few wipes and I'm done... but the shit was already on it's way out at this point... I'd crushed my own turtle head with my bum cheeks to stop it coming out any further so lets just say it took a lot of whipping... all I had where my boxer shorts... that's what reminded me of your story.

The best part (and the point to me telling you about a shit I took!!!) of the story is that I didn't want to leave a pair of MY shitty pants in a public place where lots of children are (didn't like the idea of Timmy the dog giving granny a pair of shitty pants it found or a kid playing army stepping in them!)

I could of carried them to the river running through the park and thrown them in there... but why would I do that when I was right next to the restaurant that that cunt of a waiter worked in? *SPLAT* stotted them off the front door of the place for him to deal with!

[Andre]

I had a mate who once had a big dirty crap inside a golf hole.I think it was on hole number 9 on my local golf course.I was laughing my bollocks off when he turned around to me and said,"Mate,im dying to have a shit!"The golf course was right in the middle of nowhere and as we being daft young kids(Me and him where little bastards when we were kids,we really were a hand full)i laughted and said to him,"I dare you to have a big dirty shit in the golf hole!"and he looked at me and laughted and said,"Why not,it'll be funny"and he pulled down his trousers and had a shite in the hole and wipe his arse on leaves.We were about 9 year old at the time.It was sooo funny!He is in prison now though,he was a crazy fucker and never changedHe went into some heavy shit when he got older,,lucky for me i got out of the kind of things he got into.Funny as fook though.Me and me other mate's have mentioned about that time a few times and all end up on our backs laughing soo hard.Great times.We got up to all kinds of mad things.I look back and think,,"Gee,,i cant believe some of the things we used to do for fun."Some of the things we used to do could of killed us.I count meself lucky to be alive really!!!

hahahhaa, we would have got along just fine.

[Andre]

hahah funny, reminds me of another story.

I'm very regular... do at least 3 fairly big shites everyday.... can hold it for a while but sometimes I just NEED to go.

In my old job we were lifting and relaying and old road, our lunch cabin was next to a church. It had a porta-potty but it hadn't been emptied for weeks... if not months... I couldn't even bare to be in it... let alone sit on it.

I used to normally shit when I got up, when I got home and before bed... but not today... needed to go really badly... I'd been in the church toilet once before but it was closed today... I knocked and the vicar refused to let me use the toilet... bastard... I hope Saint Peter reminds him about it...

There's a giant valley with a river than runs through it that is now a public park quite near and I knew that had public toilets in the middle of it so I headed off that way... I really needed to shit and was fighting back a turtle head the whole time... was very very close to knocking on a stranger's door and asking if I could use their toilet but it's probably the poshest/snootiest part of the city and I thought I could make it.

I got there and the toilets where CLOSED! I was literally touching cloth at this point... there was a cafe in the park not too far away but again it was shut... there's also a big posh restaurant and luckily (or so I thought) I could see it was open.

I buzzed on the door and this posh stuck up waiter in his late 30s (don't know how you can be stuck up if you're approaching mid life and you're a fucking waiter!) appeared at the window on the door... explained how desperate my situation was (dramatic... but would you want to lay a turd in your boxers?) and the cunt wouldn't let me in!

decided I was just going to have to go in a bush somewhere (like you I wasn't really bothered about wiping at this point!). I don't know if anybody hear knows Jesmond Dene but it's not exactly a park...

Jesmond Dene - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia looks like there's 10000s of bushes to take a shit right? wrong... it's either next to some family activity place/petting zoo/road/river or footpath.

After frantically rushing about trying to find somewhere within range I eventually decided to go back next to the restaurant and go in a bush there hoping nobody would see me.

I'm normally a clean shitter... few wipes and I'm done... but the shit was already on it's way out at this point... I'd crushed my own turtle head with my bum cheeks to stop it coming out any further so lets just say it took a lot of whipping... all I had where my boxer shorts... that's what reminded me of your story.

The best part (and the point to me telling you about a shit I took!!!) of the story is that I didn't want to leave a pair of MY shitty pants in a public place where lots of children are (didn't like the idea of Timmy the dog giving granny a pair of shitty pants it found or a kid playing army stepping in them!)

I could of carried them to the river running through the park and thrown them in there... but why would I do that when I was right next to the restaurant that that cunt of a waiter worked in? *SPLAT* stotted them off the front door of the place for him to deal with!

Sometimes snobs need a wake up call bro.

A mate of one of my old labourers is in and out of jail for assult etc I heard that he asked to use the toilet in the Shell service station (punt road which is real busy inner city style for those who dont know.It was late i the night he got refused so dropped one right on the floor in between the automatic closing doors I know the store its down by the river and there was a nice Pakistani fellow behind the counter, poor bastord was only going by the rules seeing its an area for waking up drugs etc.

Wheres Mcplopeater when you need him?

[Phil]

lol this thread is brilliant! haven't laughed so much in a long time!

[ICB]

I'll tell you a funny story i once needed to go badly, i was in high school and you know when your in class and you need to do your business or whatever. The teacher gives you a letter, well i had to run literally because i was dying to go and i done my business.

Then i find out some cunts have took all the toilet paper's off, so the only thing i could do is wipe my ass with the letter i was given. Luckily it only took a few wipes but guess what i did next, because i hated my teacher. And she would treat me like shit, i decided "Hey why not treat her like shit".

So when i went back into class she wanted me to give her the letter back, so i glady obliged and gave her the letter and she went screaming out of the class room fucking hilarious. I then got in big trouble with the head mistress.

And she was asking me why i did it and ETC and i lied and said i didn't do it. Saying i dropped the letter where some kid had shitted on the floor, and that the teacher forced me to give her the letter and that i tried to tell her.

All BS of course and when the teacher i done that too come in, while i was with the head mistress and said i was lying. I said "Well if you don't believe me why not go and test the shit". And she went storming out LOL one of my finer moments i might add

[AdamGB]

Going for a McShit: the act of going into a fast food restaurant purely to use the toilet

A McShit with lies: telling the suspicious manager that you'll buy something when you're done on the toilet