Court Jokes

**Mark TKO** · 09-09-2006 01:20 PM

There's a bloke up in court charged with murdering his wife and child.

The judge says "You are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer"

A voice at the back of the court shouts "You lousy bastard"

The judge continues "you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer"

The voice at the back of the court shouts "you fucking shithouse !"

The judge stops and asks the man shoutingto come forward saying "look here I can understand you being a bit upset with this case but any more outbursts like that and I will have to charge you with contempt - now whats your problem ?"

The man replies "I lived next door to this guy for twenty years your honour - every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he hadn't fucking got one !"

beddum tish - I'm here all week !

**Mark TKO** · 09-09-2006 01:26 PM

A judge is about to sentence a man for murder.

He says to the man "you have committed foul murder and will be punished accordingly - do you have anything at all to say before I pronounce sentence ?"

The bloke replies "Fuck all"

The judge says to one of his court aides "what did he say just then"

The aide replies "he said fuck all your honour"

The judge replies "I'm sure I saw his lips move"

Come on !!!!! keep 'em coming !!!!!

**oakleyno1** · 09-09-2006 02:23 PM

a mortictian receieves a dead body and says to his assitant: can you just lay her out for me over there
his assistant comes back 10 mins l8er and says : excuse me but the dead woman has a prawn between her legs

confused the mortician says a prawn wtf
the assistant replies yes a prawn. . .
the mortician relizes this and says : you stupid cunt thats her clitoris
assitant: well it tasted like a prawn!

haha arnt i funni. . . . not

and i kno its nohing to do with court!

**Memphis** · 09-09-2006 09:32 PM

Bloke gets fined 300 quid and six months loss of license for having half a shandy too many at the golf course. After his case is heard the next case is a choir leader whos been interfearing with the choir boys so he decides to hang around for the verdict.

50 pounds fine the judge announces. The bloke goes into a rage "You fine me 300 quid for having half a shandy too many and that dirty old cunt gets off with fifty quid and hes been tampering with kids?"

The judge says yes, but I have heard that choir sing and they needed fucking.

**spade** · 09-11-2006 03:17 AM

The judge says yes, but I have heard that choir sing and they needed fucking.

**Lords Gym** · 09-11-2006 03:29 AM

Originally Posted by Memphis

Bloke gets fined 300 quid and six months loss of license for having half a shandy too many at the golf course. After his case is heard the next case is a choir leader whos been interfearing with the choir boys so he decides to hang around for the verdict.

50 pounds fine the judge announces. The bloke goes into a rage "You fine me 300 quid for having half a shandy too many and that dirty old cunt gets off with fifty quid and hes been tampering with kids?"

The judge says yes, but I have heard that choir sing and they needed fucking.

thats a goodun ! LOL

**CutMeMick** · 09-11-2006 03:33 AM

A plane is ready for take off, destination is Texas when inside the plane 2 flight attendants are argueing with a blond in first class the plane is being held up for this matter and can't take off until the problem is resolved, one of the pilots comes out of the cock pit and asks whats the hold up? A flight attendant replies: Theres a blond sitting in first class whos ticket is for economy and she doesnt want to move. The pilot says let me talk to her my wifes blond. He walks up to the blond leans over and whispers in her ear. The blond calmly stands up grabs her coat and walks to economy. The 2 attendants asnothished in disbelieve asked the pilot 'What did you tll her? The pilot replied: Simple I told her 1st class wasn't flying to Texas.

Wacka, wacka, wacka..... I feel like Fozzie from Muppet Babies