When I found the Best Place on Earth (inc dinosaurs)

**Fantana** · 03-06-2008 12:54 AM

Back Story

I was facing a midlife crisis as I was coming up to 22. I needed to know answers to life unanswerable questions, like where go girls pee from if they have no willy. I was in New York for 3 days back in the Summer of 2007 as I travelled America. What follows is a true tale not for the faint of heart, as it contains DINOSAURS! Taken from my published book ‘Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way’, release date May 2008.

Just over the busy street, lay what everyone seeks their entire lives. Toys R Us. The only problem was getting across the busy road. I had no adult to hold my hand and my legs were still jelly like from my time down below, no pun intended, on the subway. Finally the red hand changed to a green happy man and I ran as quickly as my size sixes (US size 7) would carry me. I was so overwhelmed with manotions (these are emotions real men, such as myself, experience) that I had to wipe a tear from my Baby Blues before indulging in the delights within the King of all Shops.

TOYS R US

I did it. I went to America to rediscover the American dream and there I was standing outside of Toys R Us. I rushed quickly to the rotating doors trying to get inside as quickly as I could, as you do, but slammed right into them smudging my face on the glass door. I couldn’t figure out how they worked and there was a small child stuck inside with his mother on the other side trying to get to him but she seemed clueless too. I did what any real man, such as myself, would do in such a situation and laughed. The genius, God, had made this place just to entertain me. After a quick prayer I used the normal door to get inside.

It was everything I had dreamed of and more, sort of like seeing a naked woman except I wasn’t stuck up a tree peering in through unclosed curtains, I was there. Three expansive floors and on the bottom was a big wheel ride surrounded by happy people. The happy people were the ones operating it and taking everyone’s money it seemed. It should be free but after demanding I got a free ride, no pun intended, I had no luck so I went snooping around not letting their greed get in the way of my positive, non-gay, vibe.

I found a house inside the store which amazed me. Now I have been to every Toys R Us in the United Kingdom, back in the Summer of ’99, I made it my ambition for the summer holidays. If ever I need to take a girl out, it’s always to Toys R Us. Forget going out for meals or to the cinema, Toys R Us is the place to be. There is just so much magical stuff there and it is absolutely free to get in and play. At Christmas it’s the best place to go and it shows to a girl you’re not as hard as your bulging muscles and crotch area would suggest. It’s like a special power rarely seen except for the twinkle in my Baby Blues that says “Yes I can break you but all I really want is to be taken to Toys R Us, to play and maybe cuddle in secret”. They love it, it rubs off on them and gives you a chance to rub up on them, in a non-gay way.

The house I spotted belonged to the legendary Barbie, wife of Ken and Mistress to the HMHT Action Man, at least in my house. I figured since I am the original HMHT I could use this to persuade Barbie to tell me where girls pee from. I entered the house after pushing young girls out the way and telling their mothers to keep their brats on a lead. I searched downstairs for Barbie but all I got was strange looks from a load of plastic dolls. I went upstairs and the same thing, my quest to find answers was a tough assignment, even in such a wonderful place. I was further puzzled when I examined the Barbie Dolls closer. Removing the knickers all I saw was a bum at the back AND one at the front, only smaller. So the mystery deepens, there was no “Axe wound” here like someone had told me I would find if I were ever to venture into such unknown territory of female underwear.

After being foiled on one quest I decided to go and Fantanadventure the rest of this land of kings. It wasn’t long before I was almost eaten by a T-Rex which had escaped from Jurassic Park. In a moment of instinct I had my super cool Die Hard 4.0 Vest off, neatly folded and put in a safe place and was flowing from pose to pose with the grace of a magical fairy, like of Labyrinth.

Thanks to intense flexing the T-Rex was stuck in awe and could only move its head and make some weird noises with no smell. I wasn’t clapped or cheered at but as a HMHT I have become use to it, although a pat on the back would have been nice. I’m not sure if anyone would want to be me, I eat a lot of dinners alone and am always in dangerous situations. Nevertheless, it is all part and parcel of being what I am and the often alienated status that comes with it. Feeling happy I had showed a Reptilian who was boss I put on my man walk, New York Style, and paraded around the store.

I found an Xbox 360 with a tennis game on it to play on. I was losing badly and no matter how hard I jumped from right to left my onscreen guy was still losing badly. A crowd of people gathered round to watch me as I enthusiastically tried to win this virtual game. They all started laughing as I kept loosing. I decided I needed to win big to save face, so I pretended I was in fact the computer controlled player and every time he scored a point I would celebrate. After I fake won I forced some high fives from the spectators and went off with my dignity intact. I stumbled on my merry way into an ogre who looked a lot like Shrek, he was huge. Deciding against a second SOS so soon after my victory over the T-Rex I quickly exited my dream place and felt I needed a hair cut so folk wouldn’t recognize me as the shirtless Barbie doll pervert.