Tuesday Jokes

[Howlin Mad Missy]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.



I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w*nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.



My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.



I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."




Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[TheChosenOne]

[Preme]

i text you way better ones than them every day missy

ok i know most are about dead celebs or racist as hell, but some are postable! lol

[X]

What does Bob Geldof like to smother in cream?

Peaches.

[smashup]

For Sale - Blonde Female Wig..Mothers day gift (unused)

Call Jack
Essex Area

[smashup]

Just heard it was a great Xmas at the Travolta house...

John got a Playstation 3, his wife got an X-Box 360 and the kid had a Wii Fit

[Howlin Mad Missy]

ah come on if you don't like tim vine esqe puns there's something wrong with you.

[Howlin Mad Missy]

i text you way better ones than them every day missy

ok i know most are about dead celebs or racist as hell, but some are postable! lol

true. Some I even send my mother

[X]

I took my incontinent grandmother to the pub yesterday.

It was all going fine until I tripped over her stool.