NEWS JUST IN
''Carol Thatcher has just been hit with the bedroom tax".
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NEWS JUST IN
''Carol Thatcher has just been hit with the bedroom tax".
Saddo will nick that one too and make out it is his own on another thread. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued…
"Well, go look in the garage..."
One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
From: eclark0433@bellsouth.net
Date: 2/14/2013
Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.
Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth.
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.
http://www.ngeinstitute.org/wpeC.jpg
Employer's response
Peggy May:
You can start Monday, we have spell check.
What did Julius Rain say to Missy when he ran into her at a club?
"wanna go half on a bastard"?
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you have the normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan and ya gets killed, da govment' pays your benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da supplamental insurance, which cost you only thirty dollars a month, then the government gots to pay your benefishery $400,000!
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you think they gonna send to Afghanistan first?
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife
was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the
pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex
for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through
sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer,
we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our
minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on
and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and
there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated
the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either
Wales is my favourite place in England. :)
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!
Hahaha never thought of a Rear Admiral like that before, hahhaha
How can tell who is the head nurse in a hospital?
she the one with scuff marks on her knees.
Paddy in court and after a 8 hour trial he pleads guilty, judge says " Why didnt you plead guilty at
first and save the court all this time". Paddy says " I thought i was innocent until i heard the evidence.
All Ken Barlow did was take a 12 year old escort to Kevin Webster’s garage for a touch up....
I feel sick now. :(
The worst letter i ever wrote..........
" Dear Jim,please can you fix it for me to go on its a knockout"....
Got a porn film the other day,i put it in the dvd player but it was just a dark blurry
picture of some fat bloke holding his cock. Then i realised i hadn't switched the TV on.
Q: What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?
A: Luke warm.
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre
oldie but goodie!
Man I got so many funny jokes that'll make ya laugh off your chairs but ive been warned a few times.
Naomi Campbell is a tranny.
Don't click...
http://www.spaziogossip.com/wp-conte..._campbell2.jpg
I would be lying if i said i was a fan of the Manchester legend, but you have to admire
his career longevity and knack for nurturing young talent. Anyway enough about
Ken Barlow.
The three women who have been set free in Ohio after ten years were asked by a psychologist
if they had any questions to ask.All three jumped up and asked "Have Arsenal won a cup yet."
My Cousin told me this joke the CUNT.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stickgrappler
guess no one gets this geek humor
Why doesn't George RR Martin use Twitter?
Because he killed all 140 characters
I didnt until I just looked up what one is on Google, then remembered Luke entered one.Quote:
Originally Posted by StickgrapplerQuote:
Originally Posted by Stickgrappler
guess no one gets this geek humor
Obi wan? I don't remember that scene.Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreI didnt until I just looked up what one is on Google, then remembered Luke entered one.Quote:
Originally Posted by StickgrapplerQuote:
Originally Posted by Stickgrappler
guess no one gets this geek humor
You know, Ive never watched it right through must do it sometime! Whats an Obi wan? Isnt that a character not a thing?Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenbeanzObi wan? I don't remember that scene.Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreI didnt until I just looked up what one is on Google, then remembered Luke entered one.Quote:
Originally Posted by StickgrapplerQuote:
Originally Posted by Stickgrappler
guess no one gets this geek humor
Obi Wan Kinobi was the trainer of Darth Vader before he joined the dark side.
Doh! i thought i was behind the times with popular culture, you gentlemen don't know your Star Wars!?!?!?! lol
you know what they say, if you have to explain a joke, it ain't funny, so i'll explain this unfunny joke - lol @ me
Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back - Luke Skywalker, the protagonist - young farmboy in search of his father, on his way becoming a Jedi Knight using a lightsaber (laser sword) and powers from the "Force" (sort of like psychic powers) ... Luke is on the Ice planet, Hoth... he is stuck out in the cold during the night, Han Solo, a comrade finds Luke. Han, in order to keep Luke warm, uses the lightsaber to cut the belly of a Tauntaun and Han puts Luke inside
"Lukewarm" is of course a description/level of hotness... so internal temperature of Tauntaun is lukewarm - with Luke Skywalker in one
i'm da worstest ... lol at me!!
I understood it the first time I read it. I read it out to my Mrs on the train back home yesterday and she didn't get it. So I had to explain it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Stickgrappler
That's not so weird you may think but my step-son, who is her son, is named Luke. She named him after Luke Skywalker. I thought because she loved Star Wars, but it turns out I think, more because she had a crush on the actor Mark Hamill who played him ;D
That is very funny as I had a crush on Princess Laila.
What is the difference between rape and football?
Women hate football.
Sick joke I heard from a famous comedian.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-lawlying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-lawexplained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Master
There are a few subjects that for me won't ever be funny... Rape is one of them.
Boo on that Famous comedian.
Alan CarrQuote:
Originally Posted by StickgrapplerQuote:
Originally Posted by Master
There are a few subjects that for me won't ever be funny... Rape is one of them.
Boo on that Famous comedian.
not dissing you or him, i've been living in a cave since i've been married and became a father 16 yrs ago.Quote:
Originally Posted by Master
i dk him.
I had sex with a hipster chick the other night....it was like sex with a regular girl only before I ate her pussy I had to upload pictures of it to Instagram
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Kabong
as a former IG user, i LOLOLOLOL'd!