Four types of Orgasm
type 1 the positive
"OH YES, OH YES, OH YES"
type 2 the negative
"OH NO, OH NO, OH NO"
type 3 the religious
"OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD"
type 4 the fake
"oh El Kabong, oh El Kabong, oh El Kabong "
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Four types of Orgasm
type 1 the positive
"OH YES, OH YES, OH YES"
type 2 the negative
"OH NO, OH NO, OH NO"
type 3 the religious
"OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD"
type 4 the fake
"oh El Kabong, oh El Kabong, oh El Kabong "
Odds on being next to pick up the Ashes
England 6/4
Australia 3/1
Winnie Mandela 1/3
Sheryl Gascoigne 4/5
Yea.. What can Batman do that a black man can't??
BAtman can go out at night without robin...
That joke is older than,Hugh Hefner.Quote:
Originally Posted by FinitoElDinamita
Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legendThat joke is older than,Hugh Hefner.Quote:
Originally Posted by FinitoElDinamita
U heard about the black guy who goes to Yale??
The Janitor
Well he would know all about the subject of women.Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterAlan CarrQuote:
Originally Posted by StickgrapplerQuote:
Originally Posted by Master
There are a few subjects that for me won't ever be funny... Rape is one of them.
Boo on that Famous comedian.
A guy brings his buddy home for dinner.
His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!" "What the f*ck did you bring him here for?"
"He's thinking of getting married."
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT: Good subject ... terrible times. It's 7.8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.
COSTELLO: Wait a minute. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: But THEY are out of work!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But all of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. Doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.
COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.
Note: I usually don't post on politics, but chuckled at this one cos it was in the spirit of A & C's classic Who's On First? which I love
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"
A man walks into a bar.... ;D
Bartender says: "What'll it be pal?"
The man says: "Give me 7 Whiskeys all lined up in a row.....and make 'em doubles"
The Bartender pours them out, lines them up and the man downs one right after the other until all 7 glasses are empty in a matter of mere seconds.
The Bartender gasps in amazement: "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man responds: "Well you'd drink that way too if you had what I have"
The Bartender says: "What do you have?"
The man says: "A dollar"
^^^
lololol
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Kabong
A young man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.
Bartender serves him, and the young man down all the shots one after the other.
Bartender asks, "hey buddy, what are you celebrating?"
"My first blowjob".
"Congrats! Here's another shot, on the house".
"Na, if the first five won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will".
This just in, George Zimmerman has converted to Islam and changed his name to Ben Ghazi in the hopes that President Obama and the liberal news media will never speak of him again
First for the Non Brits this is Ann Widdecombe a retired politician/battle axe/flying dancer
http://web.orange.co.uk/images/ice/t...widdecombe.jpg
http://www.assetstorage.co.uk/AssetS...teddy-bear.jpg
It would be nice to report that she had an endearing personality to make up for her less than glamorous appearance but she is a stuck up, toffee nosed, self righteous beeeeeeeyatch too. Anyhoos back to the joke.
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it..
The sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'
I thought you were going to say he leaned over towards the sheep and both Anne and the dog growled at him. ;D
What do you use to blindfold a chinaman?
Dental FLoss
How did you write your name on your own tit so well?Quote:
Originally Posted by FinitoElDinamita
Just in case for Non-Americans, Willie Nelson is a country and western singer. Pretty famous singer.
"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."
Willie Nelson
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's finished, the bartender asks if he'd like another. Descartes replies, "I think not-" and disappears.
Seen a dwarf getting pick pocketed today on the train,how can some people stoop so low.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
What makes you proud and cry at the same time,
when your wife tells you have a bigger dick than all your mates.;D
Rang the amputee helpline the other day.
Got cut off.
Tragically, a bus on a busy street struck an old Catholic man.
He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.
"A priest" the man gasped.
A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.
"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:...........
B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72
Richard is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says ... "Richard, all the men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit … a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."
Richard asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,' ... then you hit her with the Shovel.”
Just passing on what I heard... don't kill the messenger!
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to KO Pacquiao?
A: Just Juan.
-----
Q: How many Mexicans did Pacquiao beat?
A: Manny.
-----
CJ Ross
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her adult class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The male group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
The female group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
The women won.
lol at Master's joke
oh waitaminit! i resemble that remark!
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown"
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had a newspaper route."
My Wife just told me, she is leaving me because of my poor vocabulary.!
I was lost for words.;D
When you make a typo, the errorists win.
Not sure if the Non-Americans know "hillbilly" - generally a person not born/raised/living in an urban environment... someone from the Hills or farms
-------------------
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged 3 ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show him his hunting license and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and pulled out a Tennessee hunting license. The game warden then reached over and picked up the 3rd duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Virginia.
You got a Virginia hunting license, boy?" Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and pulled out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
Kids check under their beds for monsters before going to sleep.
</SPAN>
Monsters check under their bed for Chuck Norris before going to sleep.
</SPAN>
Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Mr. T. before going to sleep.
Donnie Yen is the reason why Mr. T. hides under Chuck Norris' bed.</SPAN>
It's been one of them should I laugh or cry days,! the mother in law just drove my
brand new car over a cliff.;D
In work on my lunch I feel asleep, when I woke up someone had put a teabag
in my mouth,! I was pissed off I'm no MUG.;D
The rich tourist stepped in at a hotel in a small village in the country. He adds 100 dollar at reception and go to take a look at the rooms.
Hotel Director will immediately take the 100 note and go to the butcher to pay his debt there.
The butcher, in turn, takes the 100 dollar and keys, off to the farmer to make themselves debt free.
The farmer takes the tractor off to the gas station and pay for the fuel he bought on credit.
Gas station owner goes to local whore and finally gives her the the hundred dollar he owed for the last visit.
then the whore goes to the hotel to pay the debt for the room she rented.
The hotel manager immediately put back teh 100 note on the disk.
The rich tourist comes back and takes the 100 dollar note - the room did not seem to taste.
No one has earned or lost a penny, but the whole village is free of debt and looking to the future with confidence
Merry fucking christmas
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
Aroamin Catholic.
Paddy da farmer goes to a therapist about his wifes lack of interest in him and was later caught driving naked over the hills towards his home on top of his Massey Fergerson.
He told police he had marital problems and was advised to do something sexy to a tractor.