I'd Like Some Opinions on My Short Story

[Slim the BoxingManiac]

Nobody read my short story.

[OumaFan]

I think it's a bit overly descriptive at times. She has a "cold, hard stagnant sigh," a "slow, tired and weary glance."

"He was then on the other side of the street, facing a city building built of sad maroon bricks.

Its maybe a bit much, but its up to you.

Still, its quite cinematic. Just thinking out loud, but maybe you could make a youtube video of you narrating and then acting out the dialogue?

[Gandalf]

It is A level material and that is what age you are. You couldn't get published, but you could get a B at A level with that. It is student level writing, you asked for opinions and there you have one.

[Slim the BoxingManiac]

I think it's a bit overly descriptive at times. She has a "cold, hard stagnant sigh," a "slow, tired and weary glance."

"He was then on the other side of the street, facing a city building built of sad maroon bricks.

Its maybe a bit much, but its up to you.

Still, its quite cinematic. Just thinking out loud, but maybe you could make a youtube video of you narrating and then acting out the dialogue?

You're right. It'd probably be smart for me to simplify some of the descriptions and make it more pleasing to the eye.

I'll keep the cinematic idea in mind.

It is A level material and that is what age you are. You couldn't get published, but you could get a B at A level with that. It is student level writing, you asked for opinions and there you have one.

Alright, any tips on improvement?

Thanks, both of you, for commenting. I appreciate your time and honesty.

[Gandalf]

I would simply urge you to read more Hemmingway. Minimalism is the key to expression.

[Master]

Miles you are a strict teacher.

[Gandalf]

Miles you are a strict teacher.

Not so much, but there is always room to improve and he is very young. The flow isn't quite there and too many adjectives seem to be in place just to make it more 'writerly' rather than to have it ebb and flow at a natural pace.

As an early example of writing it is fine, but if I were to proof check I would underline passages and urge reconsideration. I guess Hemmingway is on my brain as I read a lot of his work a few months ago. It's a style I am drawn to.

[CFH]

I would simply urge you to read more Hemmingway. Minimalism is the key to expression.

Word.

It's very easy to overwrite, but it is often frustrating, annoying, or melodramatic to read. Try to say more with less would be my advice.