Any good jokes ????

[TitoFan]

Same fat guy is talking to a girl at the bar, and she says to him:

"You know... if you lost some weight, had a shave, and got a haircut... you'd look alright."

Fat guy says:

"If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

[TitoFan]

Fat guy is talking to a blonde girl at the bar, and tells her he can guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

Blonde girl says: "Really? Go on then... try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling, she's beginning to lose her patience and says:

"Come on already... what day was I born?"

Fat guy says: "Yesterday."

[roberto duran legend]

You got something against fat guys.

[TitoFan]

Actually... I'm rather jealous of the last one.

[Master]

Things You Learn From Watching Porn

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy fucks.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Pigtails = handlebars.

[roberto duran legend]

I saw my Dwarf neighbour at the bus stop today,so i stopped and said
"Jump in i will take you home". " Piss off you prick" he replied.I said "fine
suit yourself." So i zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

[Master]

WOMENS PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

[Dia bando]

My Wife has told me, I must stop eating my favorite Aldi beef lasagne just in case
I get the trots.

[Master]

Men's Personal Ads

40-ish - 52 but looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic - Sits on the couch all day and watches sports

Average looking - Ugly

Average weight - Used to weigh 300lb, now weighs 297lb

Educated - Will always correct you and treat you like a retard

Free spirit - Likely to cheat, maybe with a family member

Friendship first - Wants to check your not too ugly first

Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack

Good Looking - Big headed

Honest - A good liar

Huggable - Overweight and enough body hair to resemble a teddy bear

Like to cuddle - Insecure

Polite - Says excuse me when he lets one rip

Open-minded - Will start dating your sister if she's better looking than you

Physically fit - Spends a lot of time admiring himself in the mirror

Religious - Went to church with his grandmother once when he was young

Committed - Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

[Stickgrappler]

Q.: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A.: No-eye deer.

Q.: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A.: Still. No-eye deer.

Q.: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears?
A.: Can't hear. Still. No-eye deer.

Q.: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears and no genitalia?
A.: Can't hear. Still. No f#cking eye deer.

[boozeboxer]

My Wife has told me, I must stop eating my favorite Aldi beef lasagne just in case
I get the trots.

Can you explain?

[mattboxingfan]

My Wife has told me, I must stop eating my favorite Aldi beef lasagne just in case
I get the trots.

Can you explain?

There's a horse meat scandal going on in the UK. They have tested a brand of lasagna and it turned out it was horse meat instead of beef.

[mattboxingfan]

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub talking about having sex with there wives. The Englishman say's when I have sex with my wife she hovers a foot of the bed with pleasure. The Scotsman not to be outdone say's when I have sex with my wife she hovers 2 foot over the bed with pleasure. The Irishman say's that's nothing when I've finished having sex with my wife I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!

[boozeboxer]

My Wife has told me, I must stop eating my favorite Aldi beef lasagne just in case
I get the trots.

Can you explain?

There's a horse meat scandal going on in the UK. They have tested a brand of lasagna and it turned out it was horse meat instead of beef.

Oh i heard about this on NPR.

[Andre]

My Wife has told me, I must stop eating my favorite Aldi beef lasagne just in case
I get the trots.

Can you explain?

There's a horse meat scandal going on in the UK. They have tested a brand of lasagna and it turned out it was horse meat instead of beef.

Oh i heard about this on NPR.

You mean NQR.

Similar thing happened out here with some black Caviar, I think it even won a race.