Almost got away with a speeding ticket by telling the WPC that she was stunning and looked beautiful. Ruined it by adding "and that is not the drink talking".

When I die I want the word "Humble" etched on my gold plated statue.

2 lions are walking along the Blackpool Pier. One says to the other one "Quiet for a bank holiday Monday isn't it?"

Quick way to lose weight. Subtract your birth weight because you haven't gained that bit.

What's big and grey with horns? An elephant brass band.