Any good jokes ????

[Dark Lord Al]

What is the difference between rape and football?

Women hate football.

Sick joke I heard from a famous comedian.

There are a few subjects that for me won't ever be funny... Rape is one of them.

Boo on that Famous comedian.

Alan Carr

Well he would know all about the subject of women.

[Stickgrappler]

A guy brings his buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!" "What the f*ck did you bring him here for?"

"He's thinking of getting married."

[Stickgrappler]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT: Good subject ... terrible times. It's 7.8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.
COSTELLO: Wait a minute. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: But THEY are out of work!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But all of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. Doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.
COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.

Note: I usually don't post on politics, but chuckled at this one cos it was in the spirit of A & C's classic Who's On First? which I love

[Stickgrappler]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

[El Kabong]

A man walks into a bar....

Bartender says: "What'll it be pal?"

The man says: "Give me 7 Whiskeys all lined up in a row.....and make 'em doubles"

The Bartender pours them out, lines them up and the man downs one right after the other until all 7 glasses are empty in a matter of mere seconds.

The Bartender gasps in amazement: "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man responds: "Well you'd drink that way too if you had what I have"

The Bartender says: "What do you have?"

The man says: "A dollar"

[Stickgrappler]

^^^

lololol

[Stickgrappler]

A man walks into a bar....

Bartender says: "What'll it be pal?"

The man says: "Give me 7 Whiskeys all lined up in a row.....and make 'em doubles"

The Bartender pours them out, lines them up and the man downs one right after the other until all 7 glasses are empty in a matter of mere seconds.

The Bartender gasps in amazement: "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man responds: "Well you'd drink that way too if you had what I have"

The Bartender says: "What do you have?"

The man says: "A dollar"

A young man walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.

Bartender serves him, and the young man down all the shots one after the other.

Bartender asks, "hey buddy, what are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob".

"Congrats! Here's another shot, on the house".

"Na, if the first five won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will".

[El Kabong]

This just in, George Zimmerman has converted to Islam and changed his name to Ben Ghazi in the hopes that President Obama and the liberal news media will never speak of him again

[Beanz]

First for the Non Brits this is Ann Widdecombe a retired politician/battle axe/flying dancer







It would be nice to report that she had an endearing personality to make up for her less than glamorous appearance but she is a stuck up, toffee nosed, self righteous beeeeeeeyatch too. Anyhoos back to the joke.


A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it..



The sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.



The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'

[Andre]

I thought you were going to say he leaned over towards the sheep and both Anne and the dog growled at him.

[FinitoElDinamita]

What do you use to blindfold a chinaman?







Dental FLoss

[boozeboxer]

What do you use to blindfold a chinaman?








Dental FLoss

How did you write your name on your own tit so well?

[Stickgrappler]

Just in case for Non-Americans, Willie Nelson is a country and western singer. Pretty famous singer.

"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."

Willie Nelson

[Stickgrappler]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[Andre]

Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's finished, the bartender asks if he'd like another. Descartes replies, "I think not-" and disappears.