Any good jokes ????

[Master]

A man said "I want to slip".

His friend said OK and pushed him.

He fell to the ground saying "WTF ARE YOU DOING?"

His friend said "you said "slip" '

So he said "no, I said "sleep" '

so his friend said "OK, sweet dreams then" and pushed him again and knocked him out

has Master hacked your account?

It was a great joke.

[X]

Two monkeys are in a bath, and one goes "OOOH OOH OOH AAHH AAAAH OOOOH"

The other one says 'Sit down, you wimp, it's not that hot"

[Batman]

BWAHAHAHAHA see @Master thats how you tell a fucking joke

[Batman]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[Master]

I saw that punch line a mile off.

[Batman]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side

I never realised how dark that joke was until recently

[brocktonblockbust]

I saw that punch line a mile off.

More like 3 miles. But it was worth it at the............ .......................end.

[brocktonblockbust]

A Jew, a Greek and an Italian came up with a way to give God some money.

The Italian said: I'll draw a big circle on the floor, throw my money up into the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is mine. Whatever falls outside the circle I give to God.

The Greek said: Fuck that, I'll throw my money up in the air, and whatever falls down inside the circle, I'll give to God. Anything outside the circle is mine.

The Jew said: Fuck that! I'll throw my money up into the air. Whatever falls down is mine.

[Master]

What is the difference between God and a doctor.

God does not think he is a doctor.

[Batman]

What is the difference between God and a doctor.

God does not think he is a doctor.

[Alpha]

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.


When does a sandwich cook?

When it's bakin' lettuce & tomato.


Did you hear about the female rapper that only performed when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They said she had a mean flow.

[Master]

I am a serial liar.

No I am not.

[Master]

Those were quality jokes by Memphis of course it was me.

[Neil_Hines]

Lol, great thread.

[Alpha]

We've probably heard these before but for a laugh -


What's the difference between a zit and a priest?

A zit will wait till your 12 till it comes on your face.



Why did the guitar teacher get fired from school?

For fingering a minor.



Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

coz his wife died.