Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre
National Public Radio.
The station I listen to has news in the morning and then classical, opera, or celtic music at other times.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre
National Public Radio.
The station I listen to has news in the morning and then classical, opera, or celtic music at other times.
Riveting stuff :D.Quote:
Originally Posted by boozeboxerQuote:
Originally Posted by Andre
National Public Radio.
The station I listen to has news in the morning and then classical, opera, or celtic music at other times.
Another Paralympian has been arrested for a gun crime..... Ellie Simmonds
on a small arms charge.
Police have found a piece of paper with the names of 30 other women that
Pistorius planned to kill.They are calling it shinless list.
Kim Kardashian is an arabian princess that puts 'things' inside her ga$h.
Arsenal,s defence.Wankers.
OFFICIALLY dieing on Aids.
Best joke. Ever.
I don't understand goat.
Yeah I need that explained to me too.Quote:
Originally Posted by boozeboxer
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
PMS jokes aren't funny. PERIOD.
I used to think I had a drinking problem, but then I met a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, of all things. But he says he can stop anytime.
I have a sick mind. I just made one up after reading that..
Did you hear about the gay Chinese mechanic?
He wras addicted to crutch fluid.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says: "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Couple of Aussies out hunting in the bush one goes for crap and gets bit on the ass by a tiger snake, his mate rings the doctor who says you cant put a tornaqay on it,you'll have to suck the poison out or he will surely die. He put the phone down and his mate asked what the Doctor said , "He said you're going to die."
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back -- WHACK!!! -- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Quote:
Originally Posted by andre
lol
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, We had his ashes
scattered over his wifes face.
Did you play some crap 70's music in the background as you did it?Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
The irish SAS have just stormed Dublin zoo. They killed 3 gorillas and have
released all the Ostriches........
Haha of course mate :)Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterDid you play some crap 70's music in the background as you did it?Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
:cwm13:Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
.....Okay
Did she say "sneller sneller" and you were wearing only your socks?Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legendHaha of course mate :)Quote:
Originally Posted by MasterDid you play some crap 70's music in the background as you did it?Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend
LolQuote:
Originally Posted by El Kabong
After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday,i think there are 3 things you should know......
First her fanny is tight as fuck, a real struggle to get it in. Secondly she takes it over
her face without any complaint, and thirdly the staff at Madame Tussauds are
fucking miserable fuckers with no sense of humour.........
Paddy and Mick went to London to donate sperm, it was a disaster,Paddy missed the tube,
and Mick came on the bus......
Working for free as a slave for a CEO that calls you a communist.
lollapalooza
Gary Nevilles father Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges,
if he carries on like that he is going to get himself a bad name.
There is a fine line between a fisherman and just some idiot standing on a beach.
Learning to speak Irish..
Oil beef hooked. :)
(Someone actually attempted calling a racehorse that ;D)
Two English women go on holiday to Jamica, they didn't realise just how hot Jamaica is compared to England, they step off the plane and straight into stifling heat.
They struggle for days to keep cool and resort to just sitting in the shade during the daytime.
A few days in they decide to risk a walk to the beach, when at the beach they notice a big Jamaician lady sat on the beach eating a slice of melon, they walk past the lady and have to do a double take as they notice she's wearing a skirt but no knickers!
One of the English women turns round to the other and says, "Did you notice that? She had no knickers on! Do you think that's how they cope with the heat"? "Let's ask her!" Says the other woman.
They approach the lady and say "excuse me" to which the Jamacian lady says "ya whadda you want"? "We notice you've no knickers on, and me and my friend were wondering if that's to keep you cool"? And she replys "No man it's to keep the flys off me melon"!
Then you'll know why Irish bean stew has exactly two hundred and thirty-nine beans in it......because 1 more would be Two Forty (Too Farty)Quote:
Originally Posted by Andre
An old Germen man is walking up the stairs trying to get to his apartment. On the way up he sees two 11 year old girls (one jew, one black) sitting on the stairs doing home work.
Black girl: You almost finish yet? I'm done with my family tree
Jew girl: That's cuz your family tree is easier to do
Black girl: Why you say that?
Jew girl: Cuz you got a big family. If you need help you got your parents, your grand parents and even your great grand parents you can go to. I don't even have grand parents
Black girl: That is so sad
Jew girl: It is. I would do anything for a chance to talk to my great grand parents. I'll even suck a dick
Soon as he heard that the old man grabbed the jewish girl by her wrist. Took her inside his apartment and sat her in front of his oven.
You got 5 minutes to talk to your relatives and than I'm sticking my dick in your mouth
A man walks into a petrol station and says to the woman behind the till "Can I have Kit-Kat Chunky" she turns round and passes him a Kit-Kat Chunky, "No," he says, "I wanted a normal Kit-Kat you fat bitch"!
Never heard that one before :oQuote:
Originally Posted by deepdaledez
Plans have begun for Margaret Thatchers state funeral.It will be the first time ever
that the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin.
Something tells me there will be a lot of these jokes coming from you.Quote:
Originally Posted by roberto duran legend